What holds me back? Maybe you can read into it a little more?

What...walls.... are keeping me boxed in? Where... how... am I not... REALLY understanding Jesus? I won't stop crying out to him, but where are my listening ears? Though I trust in Jesus, his sacrifice, the grace that I need just to LIVE this life... Though my heart aches for the church and for the people who just seem to be indifferent to the message that God sent us when Jesus died willingly on the cross... when God said THIS IS MY SON! When God did EVERYTHING to get our attention, as he has done for so long... and we have continued to live this life, abandoned to the world... These things I know, and often need reminding of... but what... walls... are keeping me in? I question God's will in my life, I want desperately for God to use me. I cannot do anything without God's guidance. When I feel like there is something to do, but I don't know how to do it... is it a wall that I don't know how to do it a wall, or God saying stay put. I will direct your steps? I feel this is it. This is it. Hope is rising. We know your love and cry out to you. Use me, Lord I know, so much, that I am not worthy, and severely lacking in instruction. But I know you make miracles happen and make a miracle out of me. This is it. I'm turning it over to you. You've been working on my heart and chipping off the pieces. This is it... I'm giving it up to. I live forgiven and I live free. Free from fear, free from judgement, even the judgement I project upon myself. I just feel... inadequate.Like there's not enough time between Sundays to learn all I need to to lead the congregation in worship. I... guess I feel defeated, sometimes. But I know God is God and he will do as he pleases. I... offer myself completely to Him. I really do.

I think pride may be involved. Somewhere, I can't pinpoint where. I... know I can sing. I know it. I also know that it is a gift from God that I can only use to God's glory, not my own. I don't want to hear that my voice is good. I really, REALLY don't. Part of the pride, I believe, is that I think God should use me because of my voice. Who really knows that God is going to do this? Just because I can sing doesn't mean this is what is going to carry me into the will of God. I need to stop thinking in these terms. God will bring me to the right places at the right time, just like he brought me to Reinhardt, just like he brought me to Savannah.

The indifference in life here is just so difficult to deal with. There's so little passion, or just... so little sharing of passion.

God... let the songs that we sing, and the words that we hear... Lord let them not just be words, not just be the actions, the "intentions" but the act... of worship, the act of understanding, and faith.

tbc