Life these days is a constant cycle of surrendering.
I've lost certain friendships. And when I see them having fun and living life without me, I feel a little pain because not long ago, I was living like they were- I wanted to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it. I wasn't so bad at all. I even worked at a church. However, I see now how I set everything before God, and was trying to love God through all that junk. It couldn't be done, which is why I was always running into the arms of sin and disobedience... why I was never really fulfilled at the end of the day and not happy where I was- I was waiting for the future, and putting my hope in that which I was never promised. I thought it would come though, for some reason. Then it didn't.
I've lost certain friendships. And when I see them having fun and living life without me, I feel a little pain because not long ago, I was living like they were- I wanted to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it. I wasn't so bad at all. I even worked at a church. However, I see now how I set everything before God, and was trying to love God through all that junk. It couldn't be done, which is why I was always running into the arms of sin and disobedience... why I was never really fulfilled at the end of the day and not happy where I was- I was waiting for the future, and putting my hope in that which I was never promised. I thought it would come though, for some reason. Then it didn't.
When Jordan and I broke up, I mourned for a solid three weeks and poured my life out to God, because I realized that what I wanted was not what was going to happen in my life. I was okay with this. I was absolutely okay with this- I have always desired to do and live and be what God has ordained for me to do, live, and be- but this relationship was an idol in my life that kept me from actually BEING, LIVING, and DOING what God wants for me. However, there was a lot to let go of, a lot that I'm still letting go of. I've never cried so much, and so hard. Never, never, ever. But you shouldn't feel bad for me (not that you do). I didn't cry because of the terrible things that had happened to my heart, but because it was a purifying situation. I hate to use this example, but it describes the feeling perfectly- 'withdrawal'. There was a lot of crying, shaking, and physical pain and grief involved with this process of purification. I remember crying out to God and only having two words to use for this cry: "Help me." It wasn't easy, nothing like this is easy, really. BUT.
God did help me. When I reached the end of me, and my plans, once again, God began to rebuild me, and love me more than I've ever felt loved. He answered me. He answered me SO QUICKLY! My affections for Jordan had waxed, waned, and are now completely gone. In three weeks. It was a miracle, and only by the divine changing power that is grace, could it have been done. I have no other explanation. I was now in love with this Force, this... Power... this God who had restored my life. IN. LOVE. I wanted nothing but to be in his presence, to hold on to him, to be loved by him, to be filled by everything he has to offer me, to know more and more about him, to never dishonor or be unfaithful to him.
"You're greater than my yesterdays, you hold me close today, You're the Lord of my tomorrows..."
Not only did God fill me with his love and life, but he did not leave me alone here on this earth. He began to provide for me in the way of community and friendships. People just seemed to be coming out of the woodworks! Opportunities for friendships abounded and are still being developed. Long story short- through camp, through different people at church, through so many avenues, God has shown me his unfailing love and provision for every area of my life.
Sometimes I struggle with the desire to love and be loved in a relationship, and for a while I thought maybe it was time to start dating again- however, I had asked for God to jealously guard my heart, and I'm seeing that come to fruition right now.
Hm. Being single is interesting. I like it. I don't feel the desure to be in a relationship with someone-- but not because I'm not over past relationships. I know that it's not the right time for me. Waiting is something that many people struggle with. Sometimes I struggle with it- there is a constant tension in my life of wondering where I'll be in the next year, and excitement for that answer and seeing it manifest. Being in such a state of transition in my life (a looooong time of transition, I'm at the beginning of it), I am starting to believe in soul mates- the one person God made for you. I never did believe anything about that-- but since my last relationship, I've met so many guys who are truly after God's heart, and they are AWESOME guys that I could objectively look at and say: "I like them." But I'm back at the place I was freshman year of HS when I was pursuing God and God had my heart- I don't have crushes. I could laugh a lot, play coy, and maybe even ACT like I have a crush, but my desire to please God and be with God far outweighs anything right now. I know that when it is the right time, God will open up my heart and let me love with all the force of a hurricane (like it should be!).
NOW. Loving with all the force of a hurricane says a lot about what I want, right now. I desire to love someone and be loved in that way. Sometimes, I just cry out to God because I want to FEEL something. I want to feel surrender and I want to feel someone's arms around my waist. Sometimes I feel numb to desire and adrenaline (except when I pass a cop on the highway... then there is both adrenaline and desire not to be pulled over). Just the other day I asked that God would help me feel something. The next thing I know, I'm listening to Casting Crowns' song, "At Your Feet" which is represented at the top of this blog. I immediately felt surrender. God softly pointed out areas in my life that I had not surrendered to him- namely being my future and STILL areas of my future love life :). God wants to fill any desires that I have, even the ones I don't know about right now.
Which leads me back to say- life these days has been a constant cycle of surrender. I've never had to take so much time to be still, and know that God is God over my life, and IN my life. He reigns over my desires and he desires to fulfill them.
So how does this answer the question of how to be single and love it? Eh, I suppose it doesn't. However, I've never been so in love as I am now (with God) with anything. It is a joy to be still and know that God is God. I FEEL and find joy when I surrender and ask him to clean out those areas I'm trying to hide. I find joy and ultimate satisfaction in pleasing God. All there is to do is ask God to do a work in your life, and accept when he does.
"My life is yours forever, my heart will always know your mercy saved me and made me whole."
Lindsay :)
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