God Knows: Worship Leading In The Interim

In my heart, today, I feel like it is fall!

So I probably won't go outside at all today to face the scorching reality.

Anyway, I started going through the voice recordings on my phone to clean them out and came across a myriad of worship rehearsal recordings. As I listened, my heart began to ache to be in that place again. These transition periods: moving, finding a church, plugging in, are always hard for me. My heart aches constantly to lead worship again.

(Ask me about how scary it is to say that you love to sing in front of people on a stage at church.)

This ache reminded me that even when we feel tired or burned out in ministry, God knows.

{Fast Forward To} The Burn Out

When I graduated from college, I was offered a job to help create, lead/direct a contemporary service at an awesome church. It was a hard job. Even though I absolutely had the know how, it was still much harder than I expected. After about 2.5 years, I was tired. I was tired of a lot of things people won't tell you about when they get burned out in ministry (people, stretching, boundaries). My spirit for ministry was broken. I was looking for a way out when God wanted me to stay.

Sabbatical 

I did get a "way out." I got married and we moved away. I knew we would be living in this new place for only 6 months, so I wasn't concerned about getting a job, but I did get involved in a church and leading when they wanted me to. It was refreshing to be the volunteer. I call it be sabbatical. God gifted me with a six month break and I was totally refreshed. Then we moved again, this time for a 2-3 year stint.

We moved to Manhattan, Kansas, where I had heard there were no great churches. I was a little afraid. You see, when you're a worship leader/band leader at heart, you go to churches and as hard as you try not to be critical, you go and you think, "I could really help out here!" I was not looking to do this. I didn't want to "fix" church worship ministries. I wanted to serve alongside them. I was growing out of my selfish mindset that said "you have something better to offer." Thank goodness. That is not a healthy place to be in, folks. But, we found a church that was within 10 minutes of our home. We went, and we were blessed. I walked in, heard the band and the worship leaders, and thought to myself, "if I never had a chance to get involved in the worship ministry here, I could worship here." Sweet! But. After many weeks away from serving in ministry at a church, my heart ached to be there again. I emailed the worship staff and asked them to tell me there was a spot for me in their ministry! There was! Phew! After I met with them, sang for them, told them a little about myself and my heart, I was in! YAY!

"It's not about me."  

It took months. I was put on the schedule right away, but it took months to get into a regular rotation. You see, I was READY! God, I'm READY! Put me in, coach! But I was not. God knew that. My heart was not ready.

In those months, I prayed. I begged God to let me sing for Him again. I humbled myself, God humbled me. Over and over again.

I needed that time away from the stage to show me that I wanted to lead worship again, but when I thought I was ready, my heart broke when I realized I was no longer in an every-week kind of worship gig. And that's when I realized that there's probably a lot more to my "passion" than worshiping God. That's hard to admit. You see, I saw talent on stage and said, "I'm just as good as them! They should let me sing with them!" Oh man.

It was at that point that God really broke it down for me.

What Next?
As time passed, the worship leaders entrusted more songs to me. I began to get to get more involved, get to know the heart of the church, and get to know the congregation. I also got a job as the "administrative assistant" for the church. I was invited to go to a conference with one of the worship leaders, which probably changed my perspective forever since I didn't have to bring anything back to a job; I was there to soak in the info and experience. As I got to know the congregation, the more I saw them from the platform, spoke to them before and after services, and began a relationship with God's people, the more a fire grew in my heart to lead worship. My passion for leading worship is not just because I love to sing and love to worship God. Because leading worship is not just helping people express their praise to God. God is enthroned on our praises, and when we praise him more than just good feelings happen! God shows up! The words that Satan is speaking to us are silenced. Things happen when we praise and for a room full of people who may not know all those things, it's a huge deal to be used to express that!

God took me from burned out to on fire again during my time on and off of the platform.

Back Again

As I was listening to those voice recordings, I began to worship God. By now, I have gotten used to listening to my own voice, but I don't think I've ever just listened to it for pleasure. But it wasn't about me singing today. It was about the words being sung, the community in which I could sing them, and the reason for which I sang that made me listen and reminded me: God knows.

Then with my hands in the air, my 11 month old daughter put her hands up in the air and I almost cried... until she climbed up my leg to hand me a toy and I was reminded, God knows. 

In every season, God knows.

My heart continues to ache for the chance to lead worship again, but I am thankful for the reminder that God knows.


-Lindsay





Side Note: I think every church ought to host a "staff meeting" (more than just an "annual meeting") with their congregation just so they can get to know the heart of the staff as they are planning the calendar year for the church.