You are making me new.

This past Sunday, the message in church was about being born again. John 3:3 says ... "unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."

Sometimes I wonder what drives me to continue to pursue a relationship with God, even when I am pretty bad at it. I am good at most earthly relationships, but fail consistently to live up to my own expectations of myself when it comes to my relationship with the Almighty.

I read from Oswald Chamber's devotional, My Utmost For His Highest, this morning. The following passage, whether applicable or not, all the time, was an excellent reminder and evaluation tool for me.

Jealously guard your relationship with God... Keep your whole life continually open to Jesus Christ. Don’t pretend to be open with Him. Are you drawing your life from any source other than God Himself? If you are depending on something else as your source of freshness and strength, you will not realize when His power is gone.

Having been, before, in a place where I was "pretending" to be open with God, but still desperately wanting to have a relationship that reflected the standard of God being my first and primary relationship; I understand what Chambers implies here by asking if one is drawing from sources other than God himself. I have also, since the aforementioned times of pretending, asked God to jealously guard my own heart and my own relationships, having experienced that I am definitely not strong enough to do so alone. Why then, should I not be so determined to guard my relationship with God and hold that, above all other things that threaten to keep me from that love? Time management is what keeps me from that love, most often. It has become clearer and clearer that if I am to do all that I need to do for "work", and to maintain these relationships I have on earth, I need be more diligent with my time management. Sometimes I feel like I have every single minute of my day scheduled-- and I probably do. I very often fall into that "let's talk as we walk" mentality with people and with God; and while this is excellent for living with a continued sense of God's presence, but what depth of relationship does that really cultivate? If I only ever spoke to my family, friends, or boyfriend as we were going from one place to another, and only maintained this kind of need-based small talk, I would have only shallow relationships and an empty heart.

God help me to guard our relationship. Thank for the song you put in my heart; for seeking you each morning, and for how you make yourself so available to be known. Thank you for words of refreshment. Gracious God as I leave this time of reflection, help me to see you not as a distant God who comes and goes like changing weather patterns, but as the relational God who is with me now and always. Guide my heart and mind, and help me to jealously guard this relationship that we have; knowing that all relationships here on earth, including the one I have with time itself, are from you.